Luxury Eavesdropping

January 9, 2014

Ok. Today I have two things to share with you, and both of them are fairly disturbing. You should probably quit reading while you’re ahead.

The first thing is that the other day I went to a spa to get my eyebrows waxed. On my way out, I had to use the restroom. Upon entering, a sign informed me that since I was at a spa, they wanted me to have the most luxurious treatment available in all areas of life, which is why their establishment was equipped with luxury toilets. I didn’t know what that meant, but oh, was I about to find out.

I walked into the stall — actually, it was more like a fancy, tiny room — and the toilet seat opened up to greet me. How did it know I was there?! There was a sign on the wall with all kinds of special instructions for how to enjoy my luxurious tinkle time. I sat down, and the seat was heated! Luxury city. Now, I won’t go into any details because, gross, but let me just tell you that there were about 58 buttons on the wall with all kinds of tricks — water, sprays, fans, directions, flushes, light shows, music, massages, steak dinners, etc. (OK, maybe not all of those things.) The only disappointing part was that the toilet paper was on a stupid normal roll. Boring, non-luxurious toilet paper. I expected it to unroll itself and float over to me, silk squares of luxury that smelled like roses or something. They obviously still need to do some work on adding luxury to their toilet paper. I spent way more time than was appropriate in there, mostly reading all the button instructions.

Anyhoo, if you ever go to the Aveda spa in Red Deer, make sure to use the restroom!

Second — and, believe it or not, this is more disturbing than me writing two paragraphs about my toilet experience.

Yesterday, I went to a coffee shop to work on a lesson. Then I got bored with writing the lesson and started looking around the coffee shop. To my right, about 3 feet away, a woman in her early 50s (I would soon discover her exact age) sat down. She was wearing form-fitting clothes and had her hair highlighted up the wazoo and was obsessed with her cell phone. A few minutes later, a man joined her. He sat opposite her and it was clear that this was the first time they were meeting. Blind date, I thought? Oh my, was it. It was the most bizarre “date” in the history of the world, I am pretty sure. But I also think it may have been a match made in heaven. I tweeted the whole thing and here are the screenshots of the convo in case you don’t have Twitter.

(You’ll have to click into each picture so the text is big enough to read. And remember that once you click into the picture, read from the bottom up. It’s so worth it.)

Screen Shot 2014-01-09 at 11.28.38 AM

Screen Shot 2014-01-09 at 11.28.53 AM

Screen Shot 2014-01-09 at 11.29.01 AM

Screen Shot 2014-01-09 at 11.29.20 AM

Screen Shot 2014-01-09 at 11.29.26 AM

Here were my thoughts during this whole thing: What is happening?! Say what?! Do all guys really like blueberries? Why didn’t I know about that? Can this lady talk about herself any more? Why are they spending their entire date showing each other pictures of the other people they’ve been matched with on this dating site? Why is this lady the worst? Why is this guy still here? Do they know I’m listening to them? No, they don’t. I’m an amazing actor and it totally seems like I’m listening to music through my headphones. Uh oh! I just looked up when he dropped his fork! I’ve been discovered!! No, no, I haven’t. They’re both too busy looking at their phones through this entire date. Oh my. Now she’s talking about how how great her body is. Why are people the worst? I’m probably also the worst for tweeting this event. Hmm. That blueberry muffin looks good to me too. But I’m not a guy! Is something wrong with me?! Identity crisis!

And so on.

So there you go. Two disturbing things. Talked about with you because apparently I overshare.

K, gotta go. Andrew, I’ll bring you some blueberries tonight! Have a good day, friends! Beware of coffee shop convos.


9 Responses to “Luxury Eavesdropping”

  1. Suzanne said

    Ha, ha! That date may have been the worst, but your live tweet of it was the best! I love how she effortlessly mixed brags with humble brags. I mean, why even bother with humble brags, when you’re bold enough to brag? Are you sure they’d never met? They sound a bit like a “When Harry Met Sally” couple. Anyway, very entertaining. And I just added “experience a Canadian luxury toilet” to my bucket list.

  2. denisemorris said

    Yeah, no need for humble brags! Yeah, I figured out — it was the first time. But they had seen each other’s profiles. Oh my.

  3. Anonymous said

    Denise Ruth, I am so glad you are blogging again! It is a bright spot in my day. I had no idea such luxury was available in a mere bathroom. You should work on that scented TP thing – you could be as famous as the Prancercise Lady! You would be the bee’s knees!

  4. […] clapping, laughter, breaking glass, and various bodily noises that would not be approved of in the luxury bathroom. Andrew has been using his new toy while he teaches. (Nonstop.) Kids now know if he approves […]

  5. I had to hold off on reading this until today. I wanted to drink it all in and savor it. Thank you for my Saturday morning howl. This is so much awesomeness.

  6. Gary Mead said

    At least the toilet experience was one to remember, we thought our restrooms were luxury, that toilet sounds like something else.

  7. […] was at a coffee shop again the other morning, but unfortunately, there were no weird people having a blind date. There was me ordering a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich and then realizing that the […]

  8. […] was at a coffee shop again the other morning, but unfortunately, there were no weird people having a blind date. There was me ordering a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich and then realizing that the […]

  9. […] stuff, editing things, eating chips, whining, curriculum writing, article writing, blog writing, eavesdropping, […]

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