Sunday Morning Trauma

June 14, 2010

Apparently Colorado felt nostalgic for winter this past weekend. It got all freezing and rainy and awful. Also, humid. And my hair got a tiny bit poofy. It is such a shame when there’s some humidity around. My hair likes to jump out and greet it with gusto.

Oh, man. Yesterday morning I went to the 8 a.m. service at church, which meant that I had to get up earlier than normal, which obviously meant that I was running late. I hopped (and by hopped, I mean “got in normally”) into my car and headed out, running about ten minutes late. As I was driving along the busy street near my house, I looked over to the side of the road, and I swear to you, I saw what looked like a decaying human arm sticking out of the grass. I saw fingers and everything. And it was long. And sickly gray. Oh my gosh, I was so horrified. That is not something you need to see at 7:45 in the morning, you guys.

Immediately my mind started racing. I should turn around and check to make sure it was an arm, I thought. But what if it was an arm attached to a body that was hidden in the grass? I might vomit. I am already late for church; I don’t have time to go back, I reasoned. I have to go worship the Lord and try to forget about that dead person by my house. What if he was murdered? I need to report this to the police. Oh man, and then the news stations will want to interview me. What should I say? What should I wear for my on-camera appearances? Will “Good Morning America” pick this story up? What if I suddenly became a suspect in this guy’s murder? I was just driving to church, people. I didn’t kill him!

I went on to church and enjoyed a great worship service. Then I drove to Denver to meet one of my college friends for lunch. And I had to do a bit of shopping while I was up there. I figured that surely someone else had seen that arm sticking out on the side of the road by now. (Also, I kind of forgot about the arm whilst enjoying my salad at The Cheesecake Factory.) It was not until I was on my way to Blockbuster to return a movie last night that I checked to see if the arm was still there. It totally was! But as I got closer, I realized it look suspiciously less arm-like, and a bit more like a pipe. A long, gray pipe. Whatever.

It was a relief, really. Now I wouldn’t have to stress about a cute outfit for my interviews.

So, I took a picture of the “arm” for you guys. It’s quite hard to see because I took this picture while I was driving, which I think was a really safe idea. I couldn’t get a close-up of the arm because of all the driving, and also because a close-up would’ve probably made it look much more like a pipe.  It’s on the right side near the curb. See it?! It’s a pipe, not an arm.

Not an arm.

Here are a couple of things I’ve contemplated since discovering the pipe/arm.

1. I don’t do well at life in the morning.

2. How did I imagine all those fingers on that pipe?

3. What if the murderer came and got the arm after I saw it yesterday morning and then replaced it with a pipe in order to make me think that I just imagined the arm?

4. What is wrong with me?

In unrelated news, I’ve been having trouble seeing with my new contacts. Things are blurry and I have to squint to see numbers on the TV. I’m not sure what to do. If the eye doctor diagnosed me the wrong prescription, will they give me a new eye exam for free? For some reason, I think not.

The Celtics are on a rampage! Bam!

OK, I need to go. Next time I am really going to write something useful. I PROMISE. Unless I see another plumbing device on the side of the road. I mean, that’s pretty newsworthy.


12 Responses to “Sunday Morning Trauma”

  1. Lydia said

    Hmmm…maybe they got the eyes mixed up. I say, play the old “switcheroo” game and if that doesn’t work, try lasik. hahaha. That would be so much easier than calling the doctor back to reschedule a visit. =)

  2. Lydia said

    Oh and I saw a body pulled from a dumpster on my walk to work one day. It was quite horrific and saddening. Especially because it didn’t make the news. Good old Minneapolis.

  3. Ash said

    Colorado Springs should be happy to have a citizen like you patrolling the very dangerous suburban streets for things like decaying human arms. Between potential murders and the brazen foxes roaming around, things are looking very bad. Very bad, indeed.

  4. Denise, I think you miss “Lost” much more than you realize. Do they have a support group or something?

  5. denisemorris said

    Lydia: So horrible! Good old Minneapolis.

    Ash: Seriously! Very bad, indeed.

    Kerry: I think you’re right. I’m going to form my own support group. Apparently I miss the mystery in my life! 🙂

  6. Becky said

    This post is flippin’ hilarious. Good stuff.

  7. […] that’s about it. BTW—the pipe is still on the road, and when I drive by it, I still see an arm. Not kidding. It’s hazardous to my mental […]

  8. […] know you all have been worried sick about the problems I was having with my contacts. Well, I went to the eye doctor and it was a double whammy. My eyes had managed to get even worse […]

  9. […] I mean, I know you guys are really desperate for me to talk about my suicidal dog spottings and the decaying arms I see on the side of the […]

  10. […] love it if my work involved me saying absolutely nothing useful about things like Walnut Grove and pipes and evil camera […]

  11. […] traffic ticket” because remember this? Also, I was recently reminded of that day I saw that dead body/pipe on the side of the road! That was such a traumatic time in life, you guys. It was when I first realized that I am quite […]

  12. […] remembered the pipe arm yesterday. Good […]

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