Twilight Zone

November 22, 2008

Well. There are no words. I can’t think of anything that will sufficiently describe the pain, horror, misery, pathetic attempt at a film, “experience” that is the Twilight movie. Well, maybe there’s one word. The Twilight movie was sawesome.

Now, let me start by saying that I will fully accept any and all ridicule that I deserve for going to see this movie at 12:01 a.m. on Friday along with about 90 million teenage girls decked out in “I love Edward Cullen” shirts and black eyeliner. My friends and I went to the movie because we really have enjoyed the books, for the most part. Our first clue that we should have left immediately was probably when we drove through the movie theater parking lot and noticed that everyone attending this film was being dropped off by their parents. Because they’re not yet old enough to drive, you see. My friends and I are adults — we had to get up the next day to go to work at our career-type jobs. But whatever. We knew what we were doing — or so we thought.

The movie started out OK — some scenery, a deer running through the forest. But then the talking started. And the characters appeared on screen. After that, it was all over.

Apparently, if you want to create a vampire for the big screen, you put seven pounds of white powder on somebody’s face. Tah dah — pale person! If you want to show that it is difficult for Edward to resist Bella’s scent, you tell your actor to pretend that he is constipated and having gas pains. If you want to hide your British actor’s accent, you … do nothing. Edward sounded European the entire movie.

Sigh.

If you’ve not read the books, don’t go see the movie. It will make you feel an embarrassed pity for your friends who enjoy the books. You will also not understand one thing that is going on in the film, since they decided to go ahead and not explain anything. If you have read the books, don’t go see the movie. It will disappoint you beyond belief. They try to cram way too much into the movie, Edward and Bella are willing to die for each other within about one second of meeting, and also, the meadow scene is very disappointing. (Body glitter, anyone?)

OK, I’m kind of sad that I’ve spent this much time writing a post about vampires. I may need some help getting my life back on the right track. If anyone would like to buy me dinner so we can talk through my life issues, let me know. I like free dinner.

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15 Responses to “Twilight Zone”

  1. I’ve actually been planning on seeing the movie, just to see what kind of car wreck it turns into. My best friend works in the children’s section of a bookstore, and she tells me that Twilight is more than a little popular with women (girls?) in the 20 to 30 set. So we don’t have to feel bad about our strange urges to watch this movie, do we?

  2. denisemorris said

    Well we should probably feel a little bad just because it’s so sappy. It does help to know that others our age watch it too, though. 🙂

  3. Oh, and if you haven’t gotten to Breaking Dawn yet, just brace yourself. It makes Harry Potter book 7 look like great literature.

  4. Micah said

    Apparently he was going for James Dean with his “accent.”

    Pattinson says:
    “A lot of the pronunciation I got from James Dean’s voice. It’s a bit embarrassing. He’s got a great voice. Then I kind of did John Wayne’s voice.”

    Ah, yes. When I read the books, I DID imagine John Wayne speaking the words…

  5. jamey said

    omgomgomgomgomgomgomg my friend kayli said it was the worst movie shes evr seen in her life and she loved the book…im not seein the movie but i heard taylor lautner wasnt hott in it so it must not be a very good movie!!! ^_^

  6. Suzanne said

    I will buy you dinner! When? I love talking out life issues!

  7. denisemorris said

    Suzanne, dinner any time! 🙂

    Micah, hahhahah! Yes, Edward/James Dean. Oh man. It just gets better and better. And by “better and better” I mean “worse and worse.”

  8. Suzanne said

    Let me know if you can squeeze it in before Christmas. I know this time of year is busy. But that would be fun! You know where to Facebook me. 😉

  9. Suzanne said

    Also, want to add each other to our blogrolls? It’s like being BFF.

  10. Caroline said

    Oh gosh.

    I’ll confess that I did sort of like Twilight (mind candy, not because it was good literature or anything) and then I did read Eclipse because my friend made me and part of New Moon (or maybe I have those two books confused? I don’t remember). If someone pays me in cupcakes to read Breaking Dawn, I’ll give it a shot. Overall I think the series is very poorly written.

    Denise, if you want *really good* vampire fiction, and I mean brilliantly funny and scary and awesome, then check out Robin McKinley’s _Sunshine_. She usually writes young adult books but this is *not* one for the kiddos. It’s a great book and not campy like the Anne Rice style of fiction…and the vampires are much more accurate than Stephanie Meyer’s “sparkles!” version.

  11. denisemorris said

    I added you to my blog roll, Suzanne!

    Caroline, it’s ok. I kind of liked them too. You might like the last book. Thanks for the recommendation!

  12. Leah said

    I actually thought Rob did a good American accent. But I’m Australian 😛

  13. Leah said

    Oh and also, my husband thought the movie was better than the book. He liked the fight scene, and thought the book rambled too much and was poorly written. I agree.

    But I have a love/hate relationship with Twilight. I love the Cullens, the Quileutes and Charlie. I love the vampire/werewolf background storyline. I hate Edward & Bella and their insanely stupid romance storyline. Goes for both the movie and the books.

  14. denisemorris said

    Leah, yeah, I agree. Edward and Bella get sickening.

  15. […] take the screaming teenagers and the poor acting any longer. I just couldn’t, you guys. I blogged about seeing the first one (so very long ago!), and it was quite the experience in how to create a vampire for a movie (just […]

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